A Silver Sage takes charge of her banking

Submitted by Leon Cohen

Shown below   is allegedly a letter that was sent to a large bank by an 86 year old   woman.  The bank manager thought it was   amusing, so he had it published in the newspaper.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing   my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must   have elapsed between his presenting the check for payment and the arrival in   my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer,   of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an   arrangement which I admit, has been in place for only eight years.  You are to be commended for seizing that   brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of a   penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My  thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to   rethink my errant financial ways.  I   noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,   when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,   pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now   on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a fresh-and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan repayments will   therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank,   by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank   whom you must nominate.

Be aware   that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such   an envelope.  Please find attached an   Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in   order that I know as much about him/her as your bank knows about me, there is   no alternative.  Note all copies of   his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the   mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income debts, assets, and   liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due   course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which   he/she must quote in dealings with me.    I regret that it cannot be shorter than the 18 digits but, again, I   have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my   account balance on your phone bank service.    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me   level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as   follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.

#1 To make   an appointment to see me.

#2 To query   a missing payment.

#3 To   transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To   transfer the call to my bedroom in case I’m sleeping.

#5 To   transfer the call to my toilet, in case I am attending to nature.

#6 To   transfer the call to my mobile phone, if I’m not home.

#7 To   leave a message on my computer, a password to access my    computer is required.  The Password will be communicated to you at   a later date to that Authorized Contact person mentioned earlier.

#8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8.

#9 To make   a general complaint or inquiry.  The   contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated   answering service.

#10 This   is a second reminder to press * for English.    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music   will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably,   but again following your example, I must levy a $30 establishment fee to   cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I now   wish you a belated happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your   Humble Client

P.S.  Remember, don’t make old   people mad.  We don’t like being old in   the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.







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